bara api

Aku masih mencari

Cara dan alasan terbaik

Untuk aku hilangkan bara api di hati

Yg acapkali menyala

Bila namamu muncul kembali

"Jngn ambik tau

Duit aku sukahati aku

Bagitau dia

Jangan masuk campoq urusan adik beradik kita

Jangan masuk campoq urusan keluarga kita"

Masa itu

Hg rasa hg diatas

Hg tak perlukan sesiapa

Hg ada, hg mampu

Padahal

Setiap kali kami diperlukan

Tidak pernah sekali kami mengecewakan

Kini

Bila namamu muncul

Dengan permintaan2 hg tu

Sikit pun aku tak kesian

Sikit pun tak teringin nak bantu

Aku merasa jauh hati

Kini hg bukan lagi priority 

Apa nak jadi pun lantak p

Hg dengan adik beradik hg dengan keluarga hg semua

Mampuih p

Punya pasai hampa

Aku benci

mak

Dalam hidup aku,

32 tahun hidup ni,

Macam2 jenis mak aku jumpa.

Tapi takdak 1 pun,

Yg boleh lawan mak aku.

Banyak yg masa nak guna aku,

Depa panggil aku anak.

Bila dah tak boleh guna,

Mula tunjuk perangai benak.

Aku pun muak.

Org kata, maaf tu mudah, lupa tu yg susah.

Bagi aku, maaf tu susah, lupa lagi payah.

Aku tak maaf, dan aku tak pernah lupa.

Lagi mudah aku meninggalkan

Dan menjauhi

Daripada muka senyum setiap hari

Tapi dalam hati rasa nak maki.

reason to cry

Dulu 

Aku pernah menangis

Sebab kawan dapat rmt

Aku tak dapat

Padahal

Aku morning person wajib breakfast punya orang

Hari cuti pun aku bangun awal

Aku wajib breakfast 

Aku menangis 

Aku pun nak rmt

Tapi apakan daya, tiada rezeki aku di situ

Hari ini

Aku menangis lagi

Sebab biras aku, semua mengandung

Mertua aku ada 4 menantu perempuan

3 mengandung, aku ....

Padahal

Aku yang sangat2 dambakan si kecil tu

Depa bertiga, semua dah ada anak,

Aku 1 anak pun belum merasa

Aku menangis

Aku pun nak anak

Tapi apakan daya, kali ini pun, tiada rezeki aku di situ

...Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.

Q.S Al-Baqarah: 216

life is a game

Halluu everything. Assalamualaikum.

Harini 6 ramadan. 2020. Pkp coronavirus lagi. Day 41. Puasa pun puasa. Kena kurung pun kena kurung. Tapi pikiaq pikiaq balik. Rasa bersyukur jugak ni. Boleh jadi lazy bum time2 puasa ni. Tapi still getting paid. Taktau la apa jadi kalau kena pusing site time2 puasa ni. Harap2 kuat la iman untuk terus berpuasa. Setakat lani, tak pernah lagi la merasa puasa dan raya sebagai org dewasa bekerja. Selalu as a student, tahun lepas menganggur, tahun ni corona pulak 😂😂

Baguih jugak pkp ni start sebulan sebelum ramadhan. Atleast, dah terbiasa dengan keadaan berkurung. Kalau dak mesti meronta ronta nak keluaq. Nak makan sebab bosan taktau nak buat apa. Nak jumpa kawan kawan. Sekarang badan dan minda dah adapt dengan berkurung, puasa time pkp ni jadi bearable la sikit.

Sehari ke sehari menjalani hidup ni, pelan pelan aku dah dapat terima konsep redha. Kun fayakun. Jika allah katakan jadi, maka jadilah. Tanpa terlambat atau tercepat sesaat pun. Kita hanyalah hamba yang lemah. Sebijak atau seperfect apa pun plan kita, allah lebih mengetahui. Sesungguhnya plannya yang terbaik.

Jadi sebagai hamba, kita kena la redha dan percaya. Sesuatu benda tu akan jadi milik kita, bila tiba masanya. Selagi tak tiba masa, buat la macammana pun. Takkan dapat. Benda ni logik ja sebenaqnya. Kalau pikiaq balik, perangai manusia ni, dia suka ikut emosi. Bila dia rasa desperate, dia jadi tak sabaq. Mula dia buat keputusan bukan bukan. Contoh paling mudah, zaman sekolah.

Hampa ingat dah time sekilah dulu, kita deret kata, ish tak sabaq nak habis sekolah. Meluat duk kena mangkit pagi mai sekolah. Lepastu qeja sekolah pulak. Lepastu kena belajaq pulak. Tapi doa cemana pun, kita tetap kena sabaq tunggu. Jalani hari hari. P sekolah. Sampai habis setahun ke setahun. Tak boleh dah nak percepatkan. Buat gumana pun kita kena lalui proses tu. Sebab apa? Sebab kalau kita skip, kita sendiri yang akan bermasalah. Cuba bayangkan, kita darjah 1, tapi sebab kita nak cepat habis, teruih kita lompat p darjah 6. Amik upsr. Denga keadaan mental dan fizikal kita yang darjah 1 tu, mampu ka kita nak lalui apa yg orang darjah 6 kena lalu. Mesti tak mampu kan?!

Macamtu lah hidup. Kita tak boleh tiba2 mintak dkt allah, ya allah, aku dah penat kerja dengan orang. Esok aku nak jadi bos sendiri. Hg rasa hang mampi ka?? Nak pikul tanggungjawab? Sebabtu la doa kita tak makbul. Bukan allah tak sayang, tapi masanya belum tiba. 

untold pain

the pains of losing lost loved ones are unbearable
you know what worst?
they excuse themselves.

how much its hurt them
until they think leaving is the best choice
how unbearable it is
how hurtful it is
till they became soo brave

taking your own life
not easy
u cant just take the knife and stab yourself
u cant just take the pillow and tekup muka sendiri
your conscience will stop you
your body will resist
how much hurtful its must be
that your mind giving off
your body too
unimaginable

i have been there once
i guess its not hurtful enough for me
my mind and body are still resisting
they decide to not giving up
hence, here i am
still living
even recklessly
im living

the things about depression are
lonely. unsolved problems, unbearable life
they had a problem, they dont know how to solve it, and they have nobody to lean on

so the best way to comfort them is, be there for them
even if you dont have solution for their problems, its okay.
just be there, listen to them,
even if you dont have anything to say, its okay.
just be there, by their side.

things about this life,
if we dont have solution for our problems,
dont worry,
it will be solve soon.
time will solve it for us
dont think about it so much
divert your attention with something else
just hang on.
be strong. and patiently wait.

hold their hands,
and be by their side
provide them strength
so that
they will be strong enough to wait for that day

do it do it do it
better safe than sorry
the pain of losing your loved ones due to depression will make you depress too
the guilt will kill you
and we will have another victims
and the list will go on
so dont wait till its too late

hola my old friend

its been a while
since her last visit
life had been good so far
no goals means no pressure
no pressure means healthy mind
unhealthy life? who cares

living recklessly was fun.
but only at the moment.
day by day pass, you start to feel empty.
where am i going with this life
what am i doing

lately
being single bother me a lot
im not ready to commit
but everyone is getting married
i think i should do it too

the concerns here are
how do i have a good marriage
what should i look for in a man

humans are complicated
they can be a good friend, a good child, a good person
but that doesnt guaranteed they are a good husband, a good father

after all
jodoh is rahsia allah
it had been written in luf mahfuz
even before we born
who am i to say i wanna get married
i dont wanna get married
i wanna married who
when i wanna get married

who am i?
i will patiently wait
till the day
i am destined to get married
and pray only for the best

Ohana

In the hawaiian culture, Ohana means family. Family are peoples who are gifted to us. They are destined to stay by our sides throughout our life. We dont get to choose our family. They are a gift. One you cant reject no matter how much you refuse them.

I love my family very much. I would do anything for them. I am trying my best to protect them from any harm. However, my personality always failing my plan. Despite my good intention, the way i execute the action is rough and hateful.

I am a perfectionist who cant take a softer initiative. My way is always hard and angry. I cant tolerate even a little mistakes. Thats why i always warn them beforehand. All my warning, my advice are to prevent the mistakes which can leads to a lot of problem and its all for their own good.

However they never see my good intentions. All they can ever see is i am a tiger who swallowed the bees. Bad tempered. Rockhead. Miss always right.

And guess what happen next? OF COURSE THE DO THE MISTAKES I WARN THEM BEFORE! Its so annoying and frustrating. Its like you warn someone " if you take a step ahead you will land on the cow shit" but people think u are a noise and ignore u and take a step ahead and end up stepping on the bullshit. Isnt it annoying? And guess who they go to ask for help to clean their feet? YAAAA OFCOURSE! THEY FUVKING CAME TO YOU! What a gut.

I always want the best for my family. Even they hurt me so many times. I cant even ignoring them no matter how many times im telling myself to do so. Thats how much i love them. But i think they gonna kills me with frustration soon.