Ohana

In the hawaiian culture, Ohana means family. Family are peoples who are gifted to us. They are destined to stay by our sides throughout our life. We dont get to choose our family. They are a gift. One you cant reject no matter how much you refuse them.

I love my family very much. I would do anything for them. I am trying my best to protect them from any harm. However, my personality always failing my plan. Despite my good intention, the way i execute the action is rough and hateful.

I am a perfectionist who cant take a softer initiative. My way is always hard and angry. I cant tolerate even a little mistakes. Thats why i always warn them beforehand. All my warning, my advice are to prevent the mistakes which can leads to a lot of problem and its all for their own good.

However they never see my good intentions. All they can ever see is i am a tiger who swallowed the bees. Bad tempered. Rockhead. Miss always right.

And guess what happen next? OF COURSE THE DO THE MISTAKES I WARN THEM BEFORE! Its so annoying and frustrating. Its like you warn someone " if you take a step ahead you will land on the cow shit" but people think u are a noise and ignore u and take a step ahead and end up stepping on the bullshit. Isnt it annoying? And guess who they go to ask for help to clean their feet? YAAAA OFCOURSE! THEY FUVKING CAME TO YOU! What a gut.

I always want the best for my family. Even they hurt me so many times. I cant even ignoring them no matter how many times im telling myself to do so. Thats how much i love them. But i think they gonna kills me with frustration soon.

Kun fayakun

I always believe everything happens for a reasons. I had went through many occasions that prove that before. I am a true believer of the allah's kun fayakun phrase. Where it means, when allah approve it, it will happens.

But believe only is not enough to mend my broken heart. The pain of failing after trying so hard is too much. Im almost die everytime.

For the time being, the odds always on the opposite site from me. Everything went left no matter how many times i tell them to go right. They never listen!

I dont know if this is a redirection or simply punishment for my wrongdoings. I am a human with a lit of sins. I have cross over many lines, breaks many rules, rebels continuously.  I know it. I realised.

But please Allah, let lea finished her degree. Give her enough strength. I had invest everything in this journey. My youth, my money, my family. I gave up everything for this. Let me finish ya allah. Please let me. You are the only one who is capable. I believe in you. Dont test me on this. I am fragile.

He came again

Every semester, around this time, i always had a friend coming over. He always keep me company and make me feel better. He is a friend who will come running everytime im in despair. When i am alone and sad, he will come and embrace me. He is my guardian angle, mr. depression.

But i never enjoyed his company. When he is around, i lose all my strength and direction. I constantly convinced by his word. He promise me the moon and the star. He promise me the things i long the most, a pain free life. And we all know better, a pain free life is not here, it is in the hereafter. "Should we leave together? Duduk sini pun dah takda benda". I always. Always heard his voice.

I had considering his offer so many times. He always waiting for my hand. And i cant wait to take his too. But my other hand wont let go. My rationality, faith, and resposibility are tying me. Ending up, im lock up in this drain. Beaten till breaks but still wearing the smile in the face.

Be grateful they said. Many people only can dream of your life they said. Others had it worse, you are nothing they said. Little do they know, i am dying inside. If and only if i have an ounce of bravery.

She is me

Everytime i held myself back and whispered

"hold back! Dont make things you gonna regrets in the future"

she came and take over.

Lowest

Aku macam nak carut ja dekat semua benda.

Hg kata 1 benda yg hg pandai buat: belajaq. Tapi keputusan sucks jugak.

Hg kata hg memang tak pandai nak cakap, hg lebih kepada hands on tulis report ja: tapi thesis hg berapa kali kena reject dah.

Hg famous ramai kawan pandai sosial: tapi suruh cakap dekat depan gagap.

Apa sebenaqnya hg? Ada dak 1 benda yg hg betoi2 pandai buat?