Why cant i moving on? Why this feeling didnt go away? At this rate, i might kill myself too. Is this the way u want me to understand him? Is it important?
Take it away faster. This make my life messy too. There is not a thing i am doing correctly. So please. Have mercy on me, allah.
My final examination is coming. If i cant get out immediately, i will not be able too anytime else. I will ruin my life. Pleaseee. Pleaseee help me. Ive tried everything. Everything!
Uri oppa is leaving!
And i cant let u go oppa. Its true oppa they wil never understand us, you yourself know that better than anyone else but still you couldnt live without their understanding. why it is important to you for them to understand us? Cant we just live oppa? Why u got to take you own life with your own hand. No matter how beautiful they said you are for still donating all your organ before you leave, even if it is your last wish, i cant fulfill your wish oppa. How do i say " u did well" when u just give up on life halfway? Im going crazy oppa.
Dont you know time will heals oppa? Dont you know everything will be better? Cant you wait a little longer? Do you need to leave that urgently? How dare you hurt me like this and still having the nerve to ask me to not being hurt? Dont you even know how much i like you oppa?
Everytime im having a hard times, i will regain strength by watching you, no matter how long time you will take, i will wait patiently but how could you leave and ask me to say goodbye forever. Oppa is cruel. I will never forgive you oppa.
Is life that hard oppa? Im having a hard time also. Unlike you oppa, i will never be enough. At least oppa is handsome, cool, have beautiful voice and excel in your field. I am here wondering how to be good, but i know i will never be good enough. All this time i had wasted, i have nothing in my mind. As if i never learn any shit. Thats how sucks i am.
You know oppa, due to shock i fall deep into depression for 3 days! I had panic attack and for a moment i thought i will be with you soon. But god not love me that much, so here i am still breathing. I dont even have the courage to stop breathing. You know oppa, if i stop breathing right now, i will go straight to your side. We will go straight to the hell together. Im a big sinner.
You know well oppa, nobody would understand us. So why dont you try to understand yourself better? Why you dont go easy on yourself? Is the pain stop oppa? Is it becoming easier? Im hurt oppa! It is more painfull because the pain is killing me but im not died. I want to die also oppa. But i want to repent first. Let me be a failure in this world only. I want to live big in the hereafter, the heaven.
Im at the most critical phase in my life where im finishing this semester, taking all the tests, facing final soon and u got to leave. I will never recover oppa! Im going to fail better!
Sleep well oppa, but forgive me, i cant say you did well.
My beautiful soul, jonghyun oppa. I will forever missing you, uri jonghyun oppa 😘
I still remember.
The last day we sleep together.
U sleep in the bed next to me.
U sleep soundly.
Maybe u are tired from all the travelling.
From the south all the way to the north.
That night, i cant move my eyes from u.
i cant sleep even a blink.
I got rain in my bed.
My pillow get drench.
So does my eyes.
So does my heart.
Knowing thats the last time i will have u by my side, physically, its killing me.
All my regrets playing in my heads like a soap drama.
The rains getting heavier.
The next day, there comes a hand, shush-ing the rain away.
Its reach for me, making me feels alive again.
I slowly recover.
Today the soap drama plays again.
The only different is, its star by another friend.
I wanna asks why do you guys leaving? But im too afraid of the answers.
Cause i know it is not something i wanna hear.
And today, I am alone again. But this time, i dont think i will recover.
Be well, my friend, athirah zafirah 😘
Lately ive been interacting a lot on social media. Ive becoming more expressive. Maybe cause by loneliness. On the semester break i got no one to goof around with unlike when im on study week where i surrounded by peer who are sharing mood with me. We got scolded together play together and waste time together. So we can play together bcause we are in the same mood. When im home, everyone got their own activity and im the only one left home. So we dont share the same sentiments. While im laughing watching tv at home, they might get scolded by their teacher at school. So i cant goof around someone who are grumpy. Because that feel so wrong. And awkward.
Usually i filled my time by trying new recipe on internet or cook something i craving for. My mother will go fulfilling her hobby, fishing, every evening. And i refuse to join her cause i cant stand watching those fish got stuck at the hook. I think that is barbarian. They got fooled into trying to fill their stomach but end up in human stomach. Ouch.
Im also unhappy with how my brother live his life. Ive scold him many times but it all goes to waste. Many times ive give up on him but how can i. How will i answer myself one day when im seeing he is living a hard life. How about his wife. His child. So i pick myself up and try again. But till this very moment, he is still a loser. Im mad. Im even madder when i cant give up. Frustrating.
I always believe the experience are the best teacher and the best leader is the one who lead the way by showing the way on how to act rather te one who told their people on how to act. In malay, kepimpinan melalui contoh tauladan. Thats why im myself struggling eventhough i at the age where i want to have fun the most at all times. But i believe i need to be a good samaritan so that i can be a mould to help to shape my younger siblings.
Family are a gift given to the gifted which is us. So we need to treasure it and give our best to put it on the top.
